Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Feeling

I honestly feel that I will never know enough facts, enough statistics, or enough supporting arguments to back up everything I feel. Further, I may never be graceful or objective enough to convey everything I feel eloquently; however, this does not stop me from feeling. One thought that periodically cycles through my mind is how absolutely absurd the military is. We have an entire institution devoted to protecting us from other nations. As we teach our children to work out disagreements with words, we ourselves are working out disagreements with guns. We graduate from fist fights to gun fights. We kill each other, rather than attempt to see each other's sides. I don't know a lot of facts and I don't study the military, I am merely a human who does not understand slaughtering people because we don't agree on what is best in a given situation. Why can't we celebrate the fact that not everyone is in agreement? Yeah, there are people out there who may be unapproachable. I know this. But let's just stop and think about the fact that we devote so much money, talent, and skill to fighting. So many people support the idea of a military, why don't people appreciate different ideas, cultures, and lifestyles?

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Ours

My wedding does not have to be the most perfect day of my life. Why does everyone think it does? You can't create the MOST perfect day. It's impossible. Those things just happen. Am I looking forward to marrying my love? Of course. Do I want it to be a fantastic day? Yes, I do. But it does not have to be artistically crafted in a attempt-doomed-to-fail to be the most perfect day of my entire life. You know what I am looking forward to? My entire life with Grant. Not one single day where we make it official. The same thing goes for our honeymoon. I want it to be spectacular. But I'm excited about a lifetime of vacations, not one of the first few we get to spend together (we've already been on a couple great ones). End of rant.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Five Years.

Who is that girl in the first photo? Well, folks I think it was me....I think. Sometimes I browse blogs and see people's before and after pictures and start browsing through my own photos to see how far I have come. I must say the transformations that have occurred were NOT planned, but I am certainly glad they happened now. That girl in the first photo was smart. She was attractive. She was confident. Sometimes. She also didn't know what the hell she was doing. I think the girl in the second photo is all of those things as well (she especially does not know what she's doing :p), so what's the difference? Does the girl in the first photo look happy? I don't think she does. She had good times and good people and accomplishments, but she was missing something. She was not comfortable with who she was. She might have had an itty bitty stick up her ass. Just sayin'. That girl was not open to try new things. She was afraid of sweet potatoes. She came home from school at 3 and slept for hours BEFORE bedtime. She didn't move around. She did not have someone in her life she was not afraid to be everything she is in front of. That girl never thought she would happen upon a boy who loved her. That girl never thought she would be able to run more than a minute without becoming winded. That girl was me, then. But look at that next photo-That girl is happy! There is no mistaking that. She has tough times. She has the occasional breakdown when everything is just too much. But she makes it through. She gets a little stronger every week. She is a little bit more enlightened. She is open to new ideas. She gets outraged at social injustice. She can write a kick-ass essay and bust out some regression analyses. She isn't afraid to say what she thinks. She does not get nervous around new people (most of the time). She is not constantly worried that everyone will hate her. That girl can run 6 miles. She knows when she makes mistakes and she can admit when she is wrong ( again, mostly). She is sassy and she can be hateful. But she is loving and loyal. I am not perfect and I won't ever be, but I have made myself into a person I am proud to be.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Fuel Me in Smiles

...has to be my cheesiest post title ever. Seriously though, nothing re-energizes me during a jog like another person on the course giving me a big smile. You don't have to say hi or awkwardly wave...I know we don't know each other, but give me a smile and I am suddenly filled with happy feelings. Smiles are my running fuel! I used to look on at joggers with loathing, because I was incredibly jealous. Now I am proud to be one of those people. If I didn't feel so crazy, I would yell out encouragement to them. For the first time ever, I ran 6 miles last Saturday with one little one minute walking break between the first 3 miles and the last 3 miles. Those miles weren't fast, but they were glorious. They were steady and comfortable. I think it may be the coolest thing I've ever done. Doing that made me feel like I could do anything I practiced for. I never thought I would get to this point-there was once a time where I could barely run for a single minute at a slow pace on a treadmill. Just a couple weeks ago I was saying, "Running never gets any easier." What did I do to change this? I made myself a plan, dropped the watch, and slowed my ass down. Bingo. Slowing down makes you faster. Who would have thought?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Materials

I like to preach against being materialistic. I don't need a lot of clothes, make up, or cable to make myself feel good. I like to read. I can go to the library and check out books for free. I like to run (most days). I can go to the park and run for free. I like to eat healthy foods. This one is a bit trickier. Good foods cost money, but my preference for good-for-me items do keep me from frequently going out to eat. The point is I'm very selective about what I spend my money on most of the time (no one's perfect and some days I really like a good quality cup of coffee, even though I could made some at home).

Some days I feel like a hypocrite. Some days it feels like it would be so easy to just have a rich relative who can supply me with money, so I don't have to constantly worry about having a job. I'm going to school and I am so lucky to be in a position where I am actually getting paid to be educated. Unfortunately, this amount of money does not allow me to feel secure and over the summer I am in a bit of a mess to find a job. I am currently confronted with this worry, since school is over (and my income) in about 2 weeks. I stress over this every day, but I try to remind myself that there are bigger problems and I can survive without pay (if I don't find a summer gig) for a couple months, thanks to the support of my fiance.

I try to think of people in a worse position than me. Seriously, I am a sociologist (well, not officially, but I like to think of myself as one). Okay, I'm a budding sociologist. So thinking of people in bad positions isn't a stretch. I read about people who can't find jobs who can't even afford to eat on a weekly basis. I am thankful for what I have.

But then I see pictures of people who spend oodles of money on frivolous items and I am disgusted. I see the girl my age with a brand-new home, thanks to the financial support of her family. Or tons of money spent on brand-name items, like coach purses and I get all pissed off. I just want more than one pair of jeans that fit me! I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe that we all feel a little hypocritical sometimes. Or maybe that all the world should be a little more fair or make a little more sense. I just don't understand some people's spending decisions. Is it any of my business? I think, in many ways, it is all of our business. People deserve things. People do work hard for their money in many cases. But there are many situations where inherited wealth makes our nation extremely unfair. It makes me sick to think someone can afford a $300 cake for their child's first birthday, but their are kids out their going hungry every day of their lives. I have a lot more to say, but I need to go read some more articles discussing our nation's social problems. Maybe I'll become even more indignant. I'm gonna try and work this energy out with a nice ab and arms workout. Anger and coffee are the best energy boosters.

Monday, April 9, 2012

What I am not going to do...

I have a bad habit of being self-deprecating. I often say "I know you think I'm stupid, but" or "It's because I'm a bad person" to qualify statements or make excuses for my actions. It is not an attractive behavior and my wonderful fiance is often the person who has to deal with these statements. I don't think of myself as insecure generally, but I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and expecting too much of myself. So this week I am making a promise to not talk badly about myself. I can do this! (Good start, eh.)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Happiness

A few years ago I posted this on a boy's facebook wall and today I made the follow up comment. I never would have thought in a million years that the red-headed boy, with a girlfriend, who I wasn't sure if I had a crush on would eventually ask me to marry him, but I'm sure glad he did.


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